[Phone rings]
Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu: Hello Vladimir, how are you?
Russian President Vladimir Putin: Zdrastvuy, Benjamin! How var going?
Benjamin Netanyahu: I should ask you the same.
Vladimir Putin: Iz better for me den you! Ha!
Benjamin Netanyahu: I know, you’re using poisons gas now and nobody cares.
Vladimir Putin: Haha, da! And all international law condemning you for not enough aid trucks flowing to the terrorists you’re fighting! Ha! Iz good joke, ha!
Benjamin Netanyahu: I’m glad you think it’s funny.
Vladimir Putin: Ha! Remember when we shoot at nuclear power plant just for fun? Vold love us so much after we have to expand BRICS treaty memberships.
Benjamin Netanyahu: Yes, actually on that note, listen, Vladimir, I wanted to tell you, that unfortunately, we will be supplying nuclear weapons to Ukraine, Chechnya, Baltics, and some of your other enemies too.
Vladimir Putin: (turns serious) Vat? You cannot do zis!
Benjamin Netanyahu: Why not, Vladimir?
Vladimir Putin: Zey may use zem against Russia!
Benjamin Netanyahu: Eh, maybe…maybe they won’t.
Vladimir Putin: How you can be so relax?
Benjamin Netanyahu: I’m sure things will be fine.
Vladimir Putin: You better not do zis! It could cause larger var, or nuclear var!
Benjamin Netanyahu: It’s funny that you are concerned about that, because can’t your support for Iran seeking nuclear weapons do the same?
Vladimir Putin: Da, probably, but this put us in danger! Benjamin, you are Jewish! You cannot recklessly endanger the vorld like I can!…
Benjamin Netanyahu: - Oh, Vladimir, shoot I have to go, I’m getting a call on the other line. (clicks over) Hello?
Chinese President Xi: Hello Mista Netanyahu.
Benjamin Netanyahu: Hello President Xi, I was just talking to Vladimir.
President Xi: What dis I hear you say you going to give nuclea weapon to Taiwan?
Benjamin Netanyahu: Oh yes, I was going to call you and tell you as soon as I got off the phone with Vladimir.
President Xi: But you cannot do dis!
Benjamin Netanyahu: Why not?
President Xi: Because nuclea weapon dangerous. And they may use them against China when we try to unify.
Benjamin Netanyahu: Oh, I’m not too worried about that.
President Xi: No, WE worry about that. How can you not be?
Benjamin Netanyahu: Well Iran said they would wipe Israel off the map. Taiwan never said that about you. You’re putting us in much more danger actually.
President Xi: It common sense. Dis increase danger for whole wold!
Benjamin Netanyahu: Oh, also, we will be giving nuclear weapons to the dissidents in Hong Kong, Vietnam, Philippines, Japan, Australia, and even the monks in Tibet.
President Xi: What?? That could result in nuclear war for us!
Benjamin Netanyahu: Interesting that that’s your concern. Vlad was concerned about the same thing if we give his enemies nuclear weapons.
President Xi: But you are Jewish. You are supposed to be wise and moral. We can do whatever we want, but not you!
Benjamin Netanyahu: Well, why are you only concerned about nuclear weapons in the hands of your enemies, but not Iran who says they will wipe Israel off the map? Is this the level of selfishness you think the world should run on?
President Xi: This outrageous! Russia, China, Iran and North Korea are in alliance just like NATO, America, and Israel are an alliance. Only fair.
Benjamin Netanyahu: Yes, but your alliance is because Russia wants to take over Ukraine, Iran wants to destroy Israel and control the Middle East, China wants to take over Taiwan, and North Korea wants to dominate South Korea. Whereas our alliance is to preserve the status quo and peace and stability, and not invade other countries. That’s the difference. And why are you supporting Islamic extremists you also know to be dangerous?
President Xi: We support them now, and let them fight you, change our mind later, better for us.
Benjamin Netanyahu: You’re instigating unpredictable and potentially nuclear conflict… - Oh, hang on, I’m getting another call. (clicks over) Hello?
French President Emmanuel Macron: Bon jour, Benyamin!
Benjamin Netanyahu: Hey, Emanuel.
Emmanuel Macron: I also have Olaf on the line.
German Chancellor Olaf Scholz: Allo Benjamin!
Benjamin Netanyahu: Hello Olaf. How are you?
Olaf Scholz: Listen, Emmanuel and I are very concerned.
Benjamin Netanyahu: Why?
Emmanuel Macron: Olaf, allow me? We are concerned that you are risking e dangerous war.
Benjamin Netanyahu: WE are? How? We were literally surprise-attacked.
Emmanuel Macron: Well, you are being very hard on ze Palestinians.
Benjamin Netanyahu: Well, we are trying to eliminate Hamas. We don’t want this level of terrorism.
Emmanuel Macron: Well neither do we in France. But here we just arrest one or two, and give them a small fine. After all, we don’t want to be racist.
Benjamin Netanyahu: Emanuel, Defending oneself from terrorism is not racist.
Emmanuel Macron: And just because the Palestinians are trying to destroy you for 75 years, some on your government are suggesting some Palestinians who want to voluntarily leave should be allowed to go to other Arab countries?
Benjamin Netanyahu: It’s common sense. Israel took in millions of refugees when Arab countries ousted them. The world takes in refugees from everywhere else. Why shouldn’t they help their own people?
Emmanuel Macron: And what’s this about a potential war with Iran?
Benjamin Netanyahu: Well they are trying to obtain nuclear weapons.
Emmanuel Macron: Oh, don’t worry about zis.
Benjamin Netanyahu: Why not? They said they would “wipe Israel off the map”!
Emmanuel Macron: Oh, no I was talking to Olaf.
Olaf Scholz: Ya, not worried.
Emmanuel Macron: If Iran uses nuclear weapons, it will just be against Israel. Europe will be safe for at least one or two years before Iran starts to target Europe. And I don’t sink they would do it. We have such good food, after all.
Olaf Scholz: Ya, even zen, zey probably just blackmail us for a while first.
Emmanuel Macron: I will be long gone out of office by then, on a beach in the south of France, and cannot be blamed for dis.
Benjamin Netanyahu: But gentlemen, your European capitals will be under nuclear blackmail and your people in missile range and danger.
Emmanuel Macron: Oh, Benyamin, we cannot worry about every little sing zet may appen in ze future.
Benjamin Netanyahu: Oh, shoot! I forgot President Chi is still on the other line! Let me get back to him.
Emmanuel Macron: Okay Benjamin, au revoir!
Benjamin Netanyahu: (clicks over) Hello?
Saudi Prince Mohammed bin Salman: Asalam Aleikum Benjamin! It’s MBS.
Benjamin Netanyahu: Shalom Prince! How are things in Saudi Arabia?
Mohammed bin Salman: Good, I am returning your call.
Benjamin Netanyahu: Yes, I called to warn you that Iran is about to acquire nuclear weapons.
Mohammed bin Salman: Oh, but they have been so nice recently.
Benjamin Netanyahu: Well they are tricky, but remember, they want Arabia and the whole Middle East under their control.
Mohammed bin Salman: No, you cannot let that happen!
Benjamin Netanyahu: Right, we need to stop them from acquiring nuclear weapons.
Mohammed bin Salman: Oh, but they are promising to be so nice. They even told the Houthi rebels in Yemen to attack you guys instead of us.
Benjamin Netanyahu: It’s just a ploy so they can get nuclear weapons. It’s a pretend peace deal with Iran brokered by China, so Russia, China, Iran, and North Korea can just advance their own separate aggressive interests.
Mohammed bin Salman: I know, but this whole Palestinian cause thing just drives everyone crazy.
Benjamin Netanyahu: So take in some refugees!
Mohammed bin Salman: What, and take the pressure off Israel? Why?
Benjamin Netanyahu: So we can work together to save you from a nuclear Iran?
Mohammed bin Salman: Oh wait, I’m getting a call from Joe Biden.
Benjamin Netanyahu: Put him on three-way!
U.S. President Joe Biden: Hey guys! How’s the weather?
Benjamin Netanyahu: Joe, these wars are terrible! We have four wars now during your administration, and much of the whole world is uniting against the West to destroy us all.
Joe Biden: Hey guys! How’s the weather?
Benjamin Netanyahu: Joe, did you hear me? The wars are spreading.
Joe Biden: Oh, the wars? They’re running fine. Barack is managing everything from behind the scenes.
Benjamin Netanyahu: Joe, Iran is about to get nuclear weapons. After that, they can nuclear blackmail and terrorize all of Europe, the Middle East, and America!
Joe Biden: Barack says it’s fine; if we let them get nukes and give them $10 billion in cash and let them develop their missiles, they’ll turn peaceful.
Benjamin Netanyahu: No, they’ll use them against Israel, the U.S., the Saudis, and Europe. And I also don’t think you should be funding both sides of all these wars.
Joe Biden: Well, someone should do something about that.
Benjamin Netanyahu: I agree, but you are the superpower. Why don’t you negotiate a resolution to the Ukraine war, isolate Hamas on the world stage, unite the world against Iran’s nuclear ambitions, and get the world to take in Palestinians who want to leave so their government will be accountable? It’s not Israel keeping them in an open air prison, but the whole world refusing to accept Palestinian refugees!
Joe Biden: You know, when I was a country boy, and I was living on a farm…
Benjamin Netanyahu: Prince, we may be on our own.
Mohammed bin Salman: Well the rest of the world is not as proactive morally. We just sit back, wait for the world to turn to chaos, let the United States or Israel save us, and then criticize you guys for saving us imperfectly. And you better hope we only criticize you after you save us, and not during the entire time you’re saving us.
Benjamin Netanyahu: Well, that’s not going to work now.
Joe Biden: Well, we told you to not attack Iran seriously, and look how well that worked.
Benjamin Netanyahu: What do you mean? They went right to Pakistan and North Korea the following week to advance their nuclear program.
Joe Biden: Okay, but we told you to not attack Hamas outside of Gaza, and look how well that’s working.
Benjamin Netanyahu: This is one of the longest wars in Israel’s history!
Joe Biden: Look, just help me get re-elected, and I’ll fix everything after.
Benjamin Netanyahu: Barack, is that you? Are you responsible for much of this chaos going on in the world? By the way, I saw that creepy movie you produced about the end of the world.
Barack Obama: No, uh, this is uh Joe Biden… Errr Ok, it’s me, but I have no interest in running the country at all in any way shape or form or harming anybody. Just ask my personal chef who knows me better than anyone.